Ad Infinitum
by babybenson96
Summary: It's been three years since Elliot left SVU. Olivia hasn't seen or heard from him since. But what happens when an unexpected letter arrives in her mailbox? Nothing she could have imagined.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys, so this is my first time actually writing a fanfic, so please bear with me as I learn the ropes and get the hang of it! The first few chapters will be shorter than most, so as the story progresses they will probably get longer. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy the story & please feel free to leave some feedback! **

***I own nothing, all rights go to Dick Wolf***

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Three years. That's how long it's been since she last saw him. She still missed him, he had been the closest thing to a family she'd ever had—and probably ever would have. It hadn't been easy at first, going into work day after day—knowing that he wouldn't be there. But she eventually adjusted to Rollins and Amaro—not that she had much of a choice.  
Cragen had given her an ultimatum; either she learned to work with other detectives, or she could kiss her badge goodbye.

Deep down Olivia always knew he would be the first to leave—he was the one with the wife and kids, the one with a life outside the precinct. And even though she'd always been aware of this, she imagined he would've at least offered her a formal farewell when he did decide to leave.  
But he hadn't. He'd simply left without a goodbye, without an explanation, leaving her alone with her thoughts and wondering "why" for countless hours, day after day, for three years.

Over the years, somehow, someway, Olivia had developed feelings for Elliot that she couldn't explain. She was almost positive it was love, but it felt wrong. It felt wrong because Elliot was married, he had a family, and she was just his partner. That was all she'd ever been.  
She had never openly admitted her feelings for Elliot, not even to Alex, her best friend. Instead, she buried her feelings deep in the back of her mind, because if she didn't, the memory of Elliot would consume her every thought.

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It had been a long day.  
They'd been working the same case for over a week and still didn't have enough evidence to produce a suspect.  
Cases like this killed Olivia; they made her feel like she wasn't doing her job right, like she wasn't only letting herself down, but that she was also letting down the victim. They also made her wish Elliot was still there—assuring her that they'd catch the perp and that it would all work out in the end.  
Amaro was a good partner, he constantly tried his best to reassure Olivia that she was a good detective and that everything would be okay—but it wasn't the same. And maybe it never would be, but she had learned to accept that Nick was her partner now—and that was that.

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By the time she reached her apartment building, it was well past 9pm and all Olivia could think about was dinner, a hot shower, and the warmth of her bed. She took out her keys and checked her mailbox, only to find a single envelope. And there, addressed to Ms. Olivia Benson, was a letter from Mr. Elliot Stabler.

Olivia's pulse was racing and her palms were sweating so much she could barely turn the doorknob to her apartment. She switched on the kitchen light and tossed her keys onto the counter. Her hands trembled as she slowly tore open the envelope and removed a single sheet of paper that contained a handwritten letter from Elliot himself.

_Liv—_

_I know it's been three years. I don't know what to say or how to fix what I've done, but I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, and even though I don't deserve it, I hope you can forgive me. The truth is I wasn't strong enough to say goodbye. I thought that you would be better off without me and I felt unworthy of having you as a partner. I felt as if I'd failed you, and after so many years of screwing up, I couldn't bear to know that I had disappointed you again. So much has changed in the past three years, but not a day has gone by that I don't feel remorse and guilt for what I did to you. I need to see you; I need to talk to you. I want to fix this, I'm not asking you to forgive me right away, but I'm asking you for a chance to explain. Meet me on Wednesday at noon. The coffee place on 5__th__ and Park._

_—Elliot_

After reading the letter four times, she tossed it in the trash. Because after three years of completely cutting her out of his life, he thought that writing some bullshit letter saying "I'm sorry" was gonna change what he did. But he was mistaken, because she was above his mind games. If he really wanted to fix what he'd done, he was going to have to do more than write a few sentences trying to justify his reasoning. He could take his coffee and shove it.


	2. Chapter 2

A week had passed since Olivia had received the letter from Elliot. She hadn't told anyone about it, she didn't feel it was anybody else's business. She tried hard not to think about the letter—but she often found herself wondering why—after three years—he thought it would be a good idea to reach out to her. And although she was curious to know what Elliot meant by "so much has changed" she wasn't ready to see him again—maybe she never would be.

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It was a rainy September morning and Olivia had overslept. She called Cragen to let him know she was running late, but something seemed off when was talking to him. He seemed hesitant, nervous even

"Uh, okay, that's uh... that's fine. Just um… just get here as soon as you can."

She decided he was probably just stressed and decided not to read into it too much.

On her way to the precinct, she remembered all the paperwork she was behind on and decided she'd pour herself a nice cup of coffee as soon as she arrived.

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When she walked into the squad room, everyone fell silent. Everyone was staring at her, the rookies, Amaro, Rollins, even Munch and Fin. Olivia looked around and threw her coat on her desk before turning to Fin

"What the hell's going on?" but before he could answer, the door to Cragen's office swung open

"Olivia, my office. Now."

Confused, Olivia did as she was told and walked into the office, shutting the door behind her. And when she looked up, standing next to her captain, was the man that made her weak at the knees, the man that managed to make her heart stop and race at the same time.

"Elliot…"

Cragen cleared his throat "I'll uh, I'll leave you two alone," and then it was just the two of them.

"Liv I—"

"What the hell are you doing here?" she whispered.

He smirked.

"Well, you either didn't get my letter or decided to teach me a lesson by not showing up for coffee."

She sighed and shook her head, the fucking nerve this man had.

"I got your letter Elliot. I wasn't in the mood for coffee. Did you come all the way here for that? To ask why I didn't show up for coffee? Because I've got work to do."

His eyes narrowed and the smirk disappeared

"I want to explain Liv—I want to explain why I did what I did. I need to fix things with you. Just listen to me, please."

"You don't owe me any explanations Stabler. It's been three years and what's done is done. I'm sure you have a very good explanation for why you left but I don't care anymore."

And with that, she walked out, because she couldn't bear to be in the same room as him for another second. She grabbed her jacket as she tried to swallow the lump that was forming in her throat, and stormed out of the squad room.

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She was standing on the rooftop of the precinct; it was the only place she felt safe and untouchable. By the time she had reached the last step, the tears were already falling. She wiped her eyes, but it was useless—the waterworks were just starting. The rain was falling again—hard—but she didn't have it in her to go back down to the squad room. Not when Elliot was there. So she stared out at the buildings that lined the streets, and wondered why after so many years, she still felt the way she did about him. She also wondered why for as long as she could remember, she could never maintain any sort of relationship with a man. Maybe it was because commitment scared the hell out of her, and because of the way her mother had raised her—telling her that men were good for nothing but using you. Or maybe it was because no one would ever compare to Elliot.

"Olivia"

Fuck.

She wiped the tears off her face before turning around, only to see Elliot was already standing less than an inch away from her. They were standing face-to-face and she could see the muscles in his jaw as it clenched and unclenched.  
Her pulse was racing again.  
The familiar aroma of his cologne, his piercing blue eyes, and just the fact that he was standing there—in front of her—all became too much for her to handle, so she shut her eyes and spoke.

"Elliot, I can't do this with you. I already told you. You don't owe me anything, and I sure as hell don't owe you anything either. I don't need explanations or reasons, I get it. I get why you left, it was something you had to do."

Her voice was breaking and she opened her eyes before continuing

"You can't just come back after three years and expect me to be happy to see you. My life isn't some free for all where you come and go as you please. That's not how it works. You made a decision, and now you have to live with it. So go home Elliot. Go home to your wife, to your kids, because they _will _be happy to see you. But don't bother me anymore—I want nothing to do with you. So don't send me any more pity letters and don't show up here—just stay the hell away."

He sighed and his eyes dropped to the ground

"Liv I—"

She pushed past him before he could finish, because she didn't deserve his shit.  
She wasn't the one that had screwed up—he was. And he couldn't just march into the precinct, expecting sympathy and compassion—especially not from her. Her walls were back up, and they were stronger than ever. And this time, it was going to take a hell of a lot of work to knock them down.


	3. Chapter 3

**First of all, I would just like to thank everyone that has left reviews, and everyone that's been reading the story! I've been having so much fun writing it and I'm trying to update as often as possible. Please continue to leave your feedback, I appreciate it all so much! And I promise you guys that eventually, the chapters will get longer, just hang in there! -Jen :)**

**xxxxxx**

When Olivia returned to the squad room, she could feel everyone glaring at her, but she didn't care anymore. She walked to the coffee pot only to find that there was no more.

"Shit" she whispered.

Fin came up behind her and eyed her carefully

"You alright Benson?" she sighed and turned towards him

"I'm fine, just wanted some coffee."

Fin chuckled quietly before he responded

"That's not what I meant."

She knew that wasn't what he'd meant, but she was hoping he would get the point. She wasn't ready to talk about what had just happened with Elliot, she was still too confused.

"I know. But I don't wanna talk about it right now."

He stared at her for a few seconds and shrugged before walking away.

Olivia appreciated Fin's concern, she really did, but she couldn't bring herself to talk about what happened. She'd been a little harsh on Elliot—she knew that. She also knew he was just trying to "fix" things, but that's the thing—there was nothing left to fix. They weren't partners anymore. There was no more Benson and Stabler—no more El and Liv—their partnership was in the past, a past that Olivia wished she could forget.

She walked to her desk and sat down across from Nick. His was gaze was fixed on the computer screen, and he didn't ask her any questions about what had happened or if she was okay—he just kept doing his work, which Olivia appreciated more than he would ever know.

It was already past noon and they hadn't caught any new cases—so Olivia called up Alex to meet for lunch.  
Olivia enjoyed Alex's company—she was easy to talk to and didn't ask too many questions. Which was exactly was Olivia needed.

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When they were finally seated, they ordered their drinks and made their usual small talk, which was usually about work.  
On her way to the restaurant Olivia had decided that she was going to tell Alex about what had happened with Elliot—but she was nervous. Alex had obviously caught on that Olivia was thinking about something, because she took a sip of her water and asked

"Liv, are you okay? You seem kind of distant"

Olivia figured there was no better time to tell her about Elliot—so she took a deep breath

"No, I'm not okay. Elliot showed up at the precinct today…"

Alex looked puzzled

"Wait, what? Elliot? As in Elliot Stabler?"

"That's the one."

Alex sat back in her chair and folded her arms across her chest

"What was he doing at the precinct? Begging for his job back?"

Olivia sighed.  
She _wished_ that was why he'd been at the precinct; it would've made things a lot easier.

"More like begging for forgiveness. He decided that since I didn't meet him for coffee after he wrote the letter, that—"

"I'm sorry, letter? There was a letter"

"Yeah, he wrote me a letter—asking me to let him explain and to meet him for coffee, which I obviously didn't feel the need to do. I mean really, he expects that after three years of hearing absolutely nothing from him—now is a good time to give me an explanation? Thanks, but no thanks."

"Wow. So what happened at the precinct?"

"Nothing really, he just wanted me to listen to his bullshit, and I didn't. He's gonna need to do more than that to get me to hear him out."

Olivia decided that was all she would say—because she feared that if she kept talking about it, she would accidently reveal her feelings for Elliot. It wasn't that she was scared to tell Alex about how she felt, or even that she didn't trust her. To be quite honest, she didn't tell her because once she admitted it out loud—that she, Olivia Benson, had feelings for the man that had caused her both joy and torment for the past 15 years—it would be real. There would be no taking it back, or trying to keep it buried inside—and that was something Olivia wasn't ready to deal with.

Thankfully Alex didn't say much else about the topic, just things like "wow" and "that's so fucked up" but that was it.  
Olivia had been right—Alex didn't ask too many questions, she just listened.  
Even though Olivia was a badass detective in the NYPD, she was also woman—which meant she needed a friend to vent to every once in a while just as much as the next girl.

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The rest of the day had gone by like normal, and Olivia decided to head home a little earlier than usual. She picked up Chinese, a bottle of Pinot Noir, and her favorite movie—_Raging Bull.  
_She arrived to her door only to find that it was cracked open. Her cop instincts instantly kicked in and she drew her gun.  
She slowly pushed open her door and saw a man standing in her kitchen

"FREEZE! POLICE! PUT YOUR HANDS UP!"

The man instantly put up his hands and slowly turned around.  
Olivia was dumbfounded

"Elliot?"


	4. Chapter 4

**How'd you guys like that cliff hanger? ;)**

**Once again, I would like to thank everyone that has been reading this story & an even biggger thank you to everyone that has left reviews!  
****This chapter was definitely interesting to write, and I hope I didn't disappoint. Sorry if it took me a little longer to get it up, but I wanted to make sure it was just right :) It is a little short, but like I said, hang in there and they'll eventually get longer.. or do you guys like shorter chapters? Let me know!**

**Also,  
in case you guys were wondering, I was listening to Colbie Caillat's cover of "Killing Me Softly" on REPEAT while I wrote this! You guys should definitely give it a listen! - Jen**

******xxxxxxxx**

"Elliot what the hell are you doing here?"

Elliot still had his hands up

"Um, would you mind putting the gun down?"

"Would you mind telling me what the fuck you're doing in my apartment? How did you even get in?"

"I used the spare key you gave me…when we were partners…remember? In case of emergencies…"

"And what's the emergency Elliot?"

He put his arms down, took a deep breath, and moved two steps to the right. And there, on the counter, was a bottle of champagne and two containers with penne alla vodka—her favorite.  
Olivia realized she'd been holding her breath and exhaled

"What is this Elliot? A pity dinner?"

Elliot chuckled and shook his head

"No Liv, it's not a pity dinner, just dinner and an apology."

"Are you deaf? I've already told you, I don't need an apology. Plus I already got Chinese food…"

"Olivia, stop it. All I'm asking for is a chance to explain myself over dinner. And so what? Heat it up in the morning for breakfast. Go sit down, I'll serve the food"

She hesitated at first, she didn't like being told what to do, but then her stomach grumbled, reminding her that she was starving. So she sat down and waited for Elliot to serve them.  
When he finally brought over the food, Olivia had already gulped down two glasses of champagne—she was going to need it to get through this dinner.  
Elliot sat down and stared at her as she poured her third glass

"Have I driven to drinking?"

She looked at him and rolled her eyes

"Something like that. You proud?"

He didn't respond. He simply sat there with that infamous smirk of his.

"So spit it out Stabler. What is this oh-so important explanation you had to give me that led you to stalk me at work and break into my apartment?"

He took a deep breath

"I don't know where to begin…"

"Well you'd better figure it out quick, because I'm tired and I'm not gonna sit here all night waiting for you to gather your thoughts."

He took of sip of his champagne and sat back

"Fair enough. Well for starters, Kathy left…again."

Olivia almost choked on her food, but tried hard to conceal it and simply nodded slowly, urging him to continue

"I'd been expecting it, but I wasn't expecting that the reason she'd leave would be because she found someone else."

Olivia's eyes widened, but before she could say anything, he spoke again

"She uh, she moved to Florida. She took the kids, so now I only get to see them for the holidays and three weeks in July."

Olivia was speechless

"Elliot I—"

"Anyways, I'm not here to talk about my failed marriage. I'm here to talk about us. Olivia, I'm sorry that I left the way I did, and I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I was so confused at the time, I didn't know what to do."

She shook her head again

"There's nothing to be sorry about Elliot. Sure it stung a little at first, but I survived."

But the truth was, Elliot's leave hadn't "stung," it'd hurt like hell. She was a wreck after he'd left, but she'd never admit that to anyone—especially not him.

"Olivia, you and I know that's complete bullshit. You really think Munch and Fin didn't call me, trying to convince me to come back because you were a complete mess? Well they did. I'm sick of your mind games Olivia. Just be honest for once. Don't tell me that I didn't hurt you, because I know I did,"

He scooted his chair back forcefully. He stood up and hovered over her

"and I'll never forgive myself for that, but don't you lie to me."

"Screw you" she spat.

"Who the hell do you think you are? Coming back after three years, demanding that I be honest, when you didn't even have the _balls _to say goodbye to me? _Me_ Elliot! I was your partner for twelve years! I put up with you when your own _wife w_ouldn't! So don't you dare come into _my _house, telling me not to lie. You're the only liar here."

There were tears running down Olivia's face.

He eyed her for a few seconds before he spoke

"It takes one to know one."

It took a few seconds before she realized what he'd just said, she was tempted to slap him right across the face, but decided against it

"Get out."

He leaned into her and she could feel his breath against her face

"Gladly."

He grabbed his jacket and stormed out of her apartment.  
She was still standing there, letting the tears fall freely down her face.

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Not long after he'd left, there was a knock on her door. She wiped the tears off her face and tried to compose herself as best she could before walking to the door. She looked through the peephole in the door.

Was this a fucking joke?

"Elliot do you really want me to arrest you for harassment? Leave me the hell _alone._"

"Olivia open up, I'm hurt!"

She quickly unlocked the door, and as soon as she did, he pushed the door open.  
And there, in the middle of her apartment, on a normal Tuesday night, Elliot _kissed_ Olivia.  
It was hard, passionate, and almost needy. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close. He forced his tongue into her mouth and she did the same.

When they finally stopped because they were out of breath, they looked at each other, neither one of them daring to say a word.

Elliot released his grip around her waist and stepped back. He rubbed his hand over his face and let out a long sigh

"I'm sorry, that was uncalled for, I um… I should go. I'll call you."

Olivia was still in shock, the room was spinning and she couldn't remember how to speak, so she simply nodded and closed the door behind him.

And for the first time in years, Olivia Benson felt like a love-struck teenager again.

But she knew that from this point on, their relationship would only become even more complicated.


	5. Chapter 5

**My author's note is super long here so sorry about that. **

**Wow, let me just start off by saying I am so so ****_so _****sorry for the delay in this update. Writing this chapter was a real struggle for me, so I appreciate everyone being patient. This chapter is definitely ****_EXTREMELY SHORT_****, because once again, it was difficult for me to write. I kinda hit a wall. I didn't want it to be boring but at the same time I didn't want too much happening at once. So I apologize if this chapter isn't too interesting, but it was the best I could do right now. Again, I would like to thank everyone that has been reading the story, everyone that's added it to their favorites, everyone that's followed it, and everyone that has left a review. You guys are awesome! **

**P.S. I know the story is moving at a pretty slow pace right now, but I PROMISE it's gonna pick up ;) I've got something a-brewin', and it's a complete curve ball! So don't worry- I know where I'm going with this :)  
Another thing, would anyone be interested in being my beta?! If so, please message me privately :)**

**P.P.S.- make sure to follow me on twitter & tumblr! Those two sites are usually where I let you guys know if I'm having trouble writing a chapter/if uploading a new chapter might take longer than expected. **

**twitter: jen_gonzalez1**

**tumblr: .com**

**NOW ON WITH THE STORY!**

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Not even two hours had passed before he'd texted her

_From: Elliot_

**Hey**

_September 28, 2014 10:02pm_

Olivia took a deep breath.  
The truth was, as much as the possibility of Elliot—the man of her dreams—feeling the same way about her was surreal, she was scared. She was scared because he'd hurt her before, maybe not intentionally, but he had, and she couldn't let that go so easily. She loved him—this she was sure of. But, she also had to think about herself, and as selfish as that may sound, it was the truth. Her entire life, Olivia had put the needs of others before her own. She'd put herself on the back burner and made sure that everyone was happy—everyone but herself. She deserved happiness too. She couldn't keep on letting people take advantage of her, and if Elliot truly wanted to be a part of her life, he was going to have to prove it, and that kiss was a good start. But still, Olivia knew that this entire situation with Elliot could go either way—he could either reveal that he was hopelessly and passionately in love with her, or he could declare that the kiss didn't mean anything. He could state that he was having a moment of weakness and that he wanted nothing more than a friendship with her.  
The thought of Elliot possibly blowing off the kiss as nothing made her nervous. Still, she decided to reply to his message

_To: Elliot_

**ah, texting are we? didnt realize we were teenagers**

_September 28, 2014 10:04pm_

She slammed her phone shut, tossed it on the bed, and walked to the bathroom, turning on the water in the bathtub. Olivia had decided she would treat herself to a well-needed bubble bath.  
She went into the cabinet beneath the bathroom sink and pulled out a few candles and a match. She turned off the water, placed the candles simultaneously around the bathtub, and lit them. She walked back into the bedroom and heard her phone beep—she had a new message

_From: Elliot_

**i was going 2 call but didnt know if u were sleeping already…what r u doing tmrw?**

_September 28, 2014 10:09pm_

Olivia smiled to herself before replying

_To: Elliot_

**WORK.**

_September 28, 2014 10:10pm_

Not much sooner than she shut her phone—it beeped again

_From: Elliot_

**call out. i know u've got time 2 take off ;)**

_September 28, 2014 10:10pm_

She thought about this for a minute—was he asking her to spend the day with him? Her heart was racing once more, the idea of being with Elliot excited her—but after fifteen years, he should know that it wasn't going to be that easy to convince Olivia to call out of work.

_To: Elliot_

**Good one Stabler.. but its not happenin**  
_  
September 28, 2014 10:12pm_

She placed the phone on her night table and walked to the bathroom. She undressed and slid into the warm water. She shut her eyes and visualized what a day with Elliot would be like.

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Olivia's eyes flew open and she looked around, confused. Then she realized that she must have fallen asleep in the tub. She looked at the digital clock sitting on the bathroom counter and it read 12:23am. She slowly stepped out of the bathtub and grabbed a towel. She pulled the plug in the tub to allow the water to drain out and walked into the bedroom. She threw on a pair of blue NYPD sweatpants and an old Marines t-shirt that used to belong to Elliot. She then remembered the conversation she was having with him and walked over to her phone—he'd replied.

_From: Elliot_

**We can do this the easy way or the hard way Benson. You can either call out or I'll just go on over to the precinct and drag you outta there myself :)**  
_  
September 28, 2014 10:19pm_

She thought about this for a minute—maybe calling out wouldn't be such a bad idea. But then she realized that if she called out, he would have the satisfaction of knowing she _wanted_ to spend the day with him. She then decided that she _would _go to work in the morning. She knew he wouldn't show up at the precinct if she didn't call out—or would he?

_To: Elliot_

**Funny, but ur threats don't scare me Stabler. G'night**__

September 28, 2014 12:31am

Once she hit send, she turned off all the lights and slipped beneath the warmth of her sheets. She fell asleep almost instantly and didn't hear her phone beep.  
She had a new message.


	6. Chapter 6

__**Soooo... I think we can all agree that I'm a jerk for waiting so long to update. I'm soso sorry, but now that I'm juggling two stories, plus everything else like school and all that good stuff, finding free time this past week was almost impossible. Anyways, how about that conversation at the end of SVU on Wednesday? It practically SCREAMED E/O! **

**Again, I'd like to thank everyone that's been reading the story and I'd also like to thank everyone for being so patient with me and the lack of updates, I'll try harder I promise! Anywho, here's chapter 6! I hope you enjoy it! 3**

**-Jen**

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

_Beep, beep, beep_

Olivia groaned and slowly turned over to silence the alarm clock sitting on her nightstand. After snoozing the alarm, she quickly sat up. Did someone just drop a pan in her kitchen?

She quietly threw her covers off and tiptoed to her dresser, where her gun was laying, and grabbed it. She inched her way towards the door and cracked it open just a little. She gasped.

Elliot was in her kitchen, making pancakes. She chuckled softly to herself and walked out of the bedroom towards the kitchen, her gun still in her hand.

"You trying to get your head blown off Stabler? The hell are you doing here?" she set the gun down on the counter and folded her arms across her chest.

Elliot quickly turned around, he hadn't noticed Olivia had been standing behind him. He smiled and went back to flipping the pancakes

"Making pancakes, obviously. And well, I told you if you didn't call out, I'd take matters into my own hands. Called Cragen this morning to see if you'd called out and he told me you hadn't. So I told him you wouldn't be going in for the rest of the week because you have the flu."

Olivia was standing there jaw dropped. Just who did this man think he was, _calling out for her?_

"Elliot just where the hell do you get off—"

But before she could finish, he'd turned around and quickly grabbed her by the waist. He'd caught her by surprise and when lips met and they kissed just as passionately—if not more—than the previous night. He grabbed the sides of her shirt and scrunched up the fabric in his hands.

She snaked her arms around his neck and pressed up against him.

When their lips finally broke away, their foreheads were pressed together and they stood there in silence for a few minutes, the kiss had left them breathless. His hands freed the fabric he'd been holding and he rested his hands on her hips.

Olivia finally let go of his neck and slowly pushed away from him. She backed up against the counter and stared at the tiles on her kitchen floor.

"Elliot, I…I'm so confused" she was still staring at the ground and he looked at her, but didn't dare move

"What's there to be confused about Olivia?"

She bit her lower lip and tried to refrain from crying, but she could already feel the lump in her throat

"Us. This. I don't—I mean, what _is _this?" she looked up and searched his face for an answer, but his eyes seemed distant. Olivia knew from years of working with him, that meant he was thinking.

He finally sighed and rubbed his hand over his face

"I wish I could tell you Liv, I really do. But—"

"But you don't know either. Tell me something Elliot…why are you here then?" she asked the question slightly above a whisper and she wasn't sure he'd heard her.

"Jesus Christ Liv, everything with you is a question. Why this, why that. I think it's pretty clear why I'm here." Olivia looked at him through tears and shook her head

"Well it's not clear to me El. So please explain." He took two steps and was standing just a few inches away from her when he spoke

"I love you Olivia. I've loved you for a long time…but the real question here is, do you feel the same way?" Olivia's heart felt as if it'd stopped. Elliot _loved _her. Everything was too much for her to process at once. After 15 years, somewhere in between all night stakeouts, the long days and nights spent at their desks across from one another, countless hours in the interrogating room, and everything else they'd been through together—they'd fallen in love. But, as much as Olivia would love to tell Elliot that yes, she did feel the same way, and that she wanted to start a life with him—together, and that she wanted them to have children of their own, to buy a house somewhere in the suburbs of Long Island, to get married and grow old together—she couldn't—and she wouldn't. Why? Because she was damaged, and Elliot deserved a woman who wasn't broken and complicated, a woman who didn't have a past like hers. He deserved someone that would be a stay at home mom and bake cookies and cook dinner and do yoga. Someone that would make him _happy. _Someone that was the exact opposite of Olivia. She couldn't bear to know that if she told him the truth everything would be perfect at first—but he would soon get sick of her—but he would feel stuck with her. She wouldn't be the cause of his misery. So, she looked into his piercing blue eyes and uttered the word that would destroy fifteen years of friendship and partnership

"No. No Elliot, I don't feel the same way. I'm sorry if you thought—" but before she knew it, he was walking towards the coatrack next to her door. He grabbed his jacket and as he was slipping it on, he looked at her and only then did she realize the hurt and anger in his expression. He opened the door and looked at her one last time before walking out—Olivia could tell he was on the verge of tears. He shook his head and left.

Olivia slid down the counter, onto the floor, and cried, but no one heard—because she was alone—the way she'd always been. And maybe always would be.


	7. Chapter 7

**So I'm just gonna start off by saying that not anything ****_that _****exciting happens in this chapter—it's really more to get you guys ready for the next one. Anyways, I would once again like to thank everyone that has been reading the story, reviewing, following, favoriting, etc. It means so much! **

**Enjoy the story!**

**-Jen**

**xxxxxxxxx**

The rest of the night dragged on. When Olivia had finally picked herself up from the cold kitchen floor, she'd made herself some tea and walked into her bedroom. She stared at her empty bed. She'd never minded sleeping alone—until that night. Her entire life was made up of emptiness; an empty apartment, an empty bed, and now—and empty heart.

She'd always known how to push Elliot to the edge—but she'd crossed a line. She saw something in his eyes before he'd walked out that she'd never seen in him before, but it was a look that she knew well. It was stronger than pain or anger. It was the darkness and hopelessness of being completely shattered. She'd seen this same look once before—in her own eyes—three years ago. When Elliot had decided to put in his papers—Olivia's entire world came crashing down. For months after he'd left, she'd kept to herself. She would only talk to the other detectives if it was absolutely necessary and night after night, when everyone had gone home, she would stare at the desk across from hers. Twelve years of memories, of the highs and lows, the wins and losses, and times of good and bad replayed her in mind. And the same look she'd carried in her eyes for almost a year after she'd lost her partner—was the same look in Elliot's eyes that night.

She shook her head of the painful memory and tried to forget about Elliot—but she couldn't.  
She sighed and walked over to her bed, setting down her cup of tea on her nightstand. She picked up her phone—a part of her hoping Elliot had called or texted—he hadn't. She slipped under the covers and flipped off the lamp sitting on the night table. She stared up at the ceiling and tried to fall asleep—but her mind wouldn't stop racing.

xxxxx

It was a dreary Wednesday morning as Olivia made her way to work the next day. She hadn't gotten any sleep—bags had formed under her eyes and she barely had any color in her face—she was exhausted. She hadn't called Cragen to inform him that she _would _be at work for the rest of the week, but she knew it wouldn't be a problem.

She walked into the squad room and set down her coat. John and Amanda turned to her with a questioning look

"Captain said you were takin' the week off. Something bout the flu?" Amanda's question started her. Olivia hadn't been expecting that the other detectives knew she was supposed to be taking the week off

"Oh. Yeah, um, turns out it wasn't the flu—just some food poisoning. I'm feeling better though." Olivia gave the other detective a slight smile before walking over to the coffee machine. Nick and Amanda hadn't seemed convinced with Olivia's excuse—but she didn't care—it wasn't any of their business anyways.

As she was pouring a packet of sugar into her coffee, the door to Cragen's office opened. He stood there and watched Olivia for a few seconds

"Liv, my office please." Olivia took a deep breath and set down the cup of coffee on her desk before walking towards the office. The last time her captain had called her into his office, Elliot had been waiting for her inside. She hoped that this wasn't the same case—she could bear to see him after what had happened.

She walked into the office and let out a sigh of relief—Elliot wasn't there. She turned around to face her captain—and that's when she saw the concern on his face.

"Captain, what's going on?" she asked. He took a deep breath

"Olivia. I don't know what's going on with you and Elliot—it's none of my business anymore—but I do know that you look like hell. I know you weren't sick—but I know you well enough to recognize when something's going on with you,"

"Captain I swear I'm fine, I'm just—" but he cut her off before she could finish

"Which is why I'm giving you the rest of the week off, and it's not up for discussion Detective. Are we clear?" Olivia clenched her jaw. She was furious and irritated. She was perfectly fine, she was just tired, but she didn't need a week off to rest up. But she knew better than to try and argue or even reason with Cragen. So she simply nodded and whispered

"Yes Captain."

"Good. I'll see you on Monday. You're dismissed."

Olivia made her way back to her desk and grabbed her jacket. She slipped it on and ignored the puzzled looks she was receiving from her colleagues. She made her way to the elevators and stepped in. She tilted her head back against the elevator wall and shut her eyes. Being home until Monday was going to drive her insane. She quickly snapped her eyes open and remembered Alex mentioning something about a timeshare she had in the Poconos. She pulled her phone out and dialed Alex's number. After three rings she answered

"Hey Liv"

"Hey Alex, how are you?"

"I'm good, on my way to court for the Waltman case. What's up?" Olivia had completely forgotten the case Fin and Nick had been working, and she knew Alex was probably busy

"Right, totally forgot about that. Um, hey so I was wondering about your timeshare in the Poconos you were telling me about?"

"Oh yeah, the cabin. What about it?"

"Well, Cragen is convinced that I need to take the rest of the week off—long story—but anyways, I was wondering if there was any possibility in me staying at the cabin—just until Saturday?" Olivia crossed her fingers and hoped that Alex would say yes.

"Well I've gotta call the agency to make sure that there's no one staying there—so let me call them really quick and I'll let you know."

"Okay. Great, thanks." Olivia pressed 'end' and shoved her phone back into her pocket. The elevator had reached the lobby and Olivia stepped out. She made her way to her car and unlocked the doors. She switched on the heater and felt her phone buzzing in her pocket. She took it out—it was Alex.

"So I called, and the cabin is free. Arraignment shouldn't take too long so once it's over I'll go home and pick up the key. Where do you wanna meet?" Olivia smiled and let out a sigh of relief

"I can meet you at the Starbucks on Lexington if you want. I'm gonna go home real quick to pack a bag and then I'll head over there."

"Great, see you then."

Olivia hung up and tossed her phone onto the passenger seat. She buckled her seatbelt and headed towards her apartment.

She was finally going to get some time to relax. For the next few days she wouldn't have to worry about paperwork or new cases—she was going to have some time to herself. And most importantly, she would be somewhere that Elliot wouldn't be able to find her—hopefully.


End file.
